Hello,
I'm Mervi Eskelinen!
An artist, nerd and sorcerer, dedicated to make world softer and better for everyone, and to get you to make more art. Make art, change the world!
Writing is scary
When I was a kid I had multiple diaries. Before getting my first computer the diaries were those pretty little books with locks. At some point I usually lost the key of the lock so I had to break in to my own diary. It wasn't very hard though, so not a big problem. When I got my first computer I started to write a diary with it. For all of my diaries I had big plans: I would write about my life every day and it would be as interesting to read as all the real and fictional published diaries I had ever read. And each time I had the same problems. The first problem was that I didn't ever feel like my life was interesting enough to be documented in such manner. I had trouble of coming up with things to write. The second, and in a way the bigger problem was I didn't feel comfortable writing some things down. Those things were either too personal or intimate, or too hurtful for me. I didn't write about being bullied in school and I didn't feel good about telling my diary about the boys I liked, to mention some of the things. I have since read my diaries and they are filled with vague references to people or events, so vague I don't remember or understand what I was trying to tell.
In some book the main character started to write to her diary as if her entries were letters to a person. She even gave this person a name. I remember thinking then I would do that, but somehow it felt too pretentious to me. As if anyone would have ever found out. I did have pen pals and writing to them was equally as problematic as writing to my diary. I didn't feel I could reveal some things to my pen pals and on the other hand the rest didn't seem that interesting.
I still have these problems with my writing. I'm afraid of revealing too much, both on my public blog posts and in my private journals. Thus I keep away from the most personal and intimate subjects. I can tell about my ear infection, how I'm broke and other things like that some people might feel are too personal matters. However there are much more personal matters I don't like to write down. Some things involve people close to me, such as my family members and I don't want to reveal things they might not want to be revealed. Many of those things are just too close to me alone.
I have this thinking that my life isn't interesting enough for being reported, in a private journal or public blog posts. I sleep, I eat, I build and tweak websites, run if I'm not having a flu, drop by at Second Life to create and blog an outfit, read Tweets, watch television and perhaps draw something. That's pretty much it. All of this affects my blogging too. When I write about the less personal stuff like recently I still have a nagging feeling I have anything to write about it. At least not anything interesting for sure. And when I go in with the personal I have huge doubts about publishing what I wrote. Especially when I know any of my family members or other people who knows me in real life might read it. I'm not quite sure of what I'm afraid. Judgement, I guess. Revealing weaknesses, letting people in. Maybe even finding out things about myself, things I might not want to know or admit.
While I love writing it is something personal and personality revealing to me. It seems that written text can reveal so much about me, more than any other form of expression. It can be misread and misinterpret which makes writing even more scary. Actually the misinterpretation is the most frightening thing for me. While I try and think it's not my problem I still get anxious about misunderstandings. Anxious and upset. I feel somehow wronged every time someone takes my writings personally (when they aren't intended to be personal, at least not towards this person) or when they try to give me misguided advice about the subject. It feels to me as if they are judging me as a person, rather than reacting to my writing. I sometimes dream about writing a book. I have wrote some books in my head, some are written partially down too. I don't know if I could ever publish anything really with my fears and taking misunderstandings so personally. I have always felt most people don't understand me, which is likely to make me so anxious about misinterpretation.
I've heard this same piece of advice again and again, said in many different ways: The more scary it is, the more it is worth. That would make writing for me worth unimaginable possessions. And that would make my writings worth more than I can ever believe. I don't know if it's so, but as an idea it does give contentment.
This is a reader supported blog without paywalls and advertisement. If you appreciate my work and want to help me rewild the internet, please consider becoming a free or paid patron today. I can't do this without the support of readers like you. So if you can to contribute financially, I would really appreciate your help.
